AN ALTERNATIVE CHRISTMAS

Or how to keep your head when you’re legless.

When the situation calls for more than an aspirin or an Alka Seltzer, help is at hand from all corners of the globe. How the ancient Chinese could know just what we need when the Brussels sprouts start to liquefy or Aunt Dora is hell bent on upstaging the Queen remains a mystery, but then, as Confucius says, many different paths lead to the top of the mountain, which is no doubt where you would rather be, than stuck in the steaming hot kitchen, preparing more food than you cook on the other 364 days put together.

Aromatherapy is the first line of defence to combat an imminent tension headache. Smell can prompt chemical changes in the brain, but do take care which smells you choose to absorb, or the effect could be counter productive. Avoid overused bathrooms and drains, bouquets sent by those who had the sense to book a package trip to Torremolinos and the perfume from Aunty Mavis, which has appeared every Christmas for the past ten years. Try instead a basil leaf or a sprig of rosemary tucked discretely into a nostril. From this moment on you will find that you see only smiling faces.

An advantage to being in the kitchen is that everyone will salve their conscience by bringing you a drink. Uncle George pours champagne whilst telling you this year’s joke – wasn’t that the one he told last year too? - Aunt Clara regales you with tales of Uncle Hubert’s bowel movements whilst replenishing your glass with her famous (or infamous) sloe gin, until Cousin Joe arrives with a Whisky Mac – just what you need to keep your cockles warm this time of year – has he not noticed that the temperature in the kitchen is equatorial and the rosy glow on your face is not this season’s shade of blusher.

When the room begins to swirl and every movement is like a ballerina’s pirouette, it’s time to remember Tai Chi. The slow gentle movements are designed to improve balance, and whilst you may not perhaps exude the grace of a catwalk model, at least you will be spared the ignominy of falling headlong into the trifle.

Just when you feel you can do no more, every limb weighs a hundredweight and your feet are glued to the floor, don’t despair, the antidote is at hand. Nutritional therapy is the best remedy for fatigue; just get whatever is redeemable onto the table and ignore everyone else as you take the choice cuts of turkey, the crispiest roast potatoes and the unburned sausages.

If, after dinner, you feel a little under the weather, this can be attributed to being sad. No, not a pathetic mess, but rather a sufferer from Seasonal Affective Disorder. What you need is light. So head for the Christmas tree and lie, as on a sun kissed beach, beneath its glowing branches. You will at this point find yourself undergoing another ancient procedure as the needles from the tree target myriad pressure points throughout your body.

Acupuncture is proven to relieve tension, depression and anxiety, though by now you really couldn’t care less, having arrived at your own state of nirvana. Unfortunately Acupuncture also stimulates energy flow, so as serenely pleasant as it is under the tree, you are irresistibly drawn to the game of Pictionary going on round the now clear dining table. Just your luck, the only spare player is Aunty Elizabeth; not only can she not draw, she can’t read very well either, so while you’re peering at her girl in pigtails everyone else is shouting out ‘hill, pudding, loaf – bread’. Bread!! ‘I thought it said braid’, says Aunty Elizabeth.

Eventually Christmas Day will come to a close. Even the most hardened party animals will take to their beds, leaving you to climb wearily into yours, needing just one more restorative remedy, sleep.