‘That”, she replied,” will be for you to discover”

Barry sighed. “Look Tanya” he said, trying to suppress the exasperation he was feeling, “Have you just nicked a couple of pork chops from Tescos and hidden up your tracksuit top or not?”

Tanya tossed her frazzled mane of blond curls in what she imagined was a coquettish manner. “Sir,” she stated, “I find you extremely impertinent. Your tone is abrasive and I think you will discover you are embarrassing yourself more than your insipid attempts to embarrass me. You do yourself no favours and if my mother were to hear of your casual use of ‘top’ in relation to my form, I’m sure she would have the grooms horsewhip you before breakfast for your ungentlemanly conduct.”

“OK Tanya, I’m going to have to arrest you. This charade has gone on long enough”. Before she could make her escape, he grabbed her shoulder and called into his radio for a car to collect them.

“It’s the same all over” said the Desk Sergeant thirty minutes later when Tanya was safely locked up as Barry filed his arrest report. The two pork chops sat incongruoulsy on the counter. “Your patch is suffering from that film crew that went in to do Pride and Prejudice on the Plainmoor estate. We’ve been fishing shell suited little twerps showing off to their fifteen year old pregnant girlfriends out of the canal ever since. The hospital is full of hyperthermia cases. And up the High Street we’ve had a spate of muggings, sorry, street robberies ‘performed through the medium of modern dance’ ever since that woman that used to be in Hot Gossip swanned in with her programme to attempt to ‘dance’ the council flats out of the burger bars and into the theatres”. “Swanned in?” said Barry,” She didn’t pop her clogs at the end did she?” The sergeant stared blankly at him and stroked his moustache. “No, I don’t believe she did” he said.

Barry looked out the window of the station to the Church across the road. In the grounds, quite a few people that were’ known’ to him were digging holes. “What in earth is going on there?” he asked. The sergeant scratched his armpit and shook his head. “Time Team Special” He said with a suggestion of disgust. “They’ve taken a bunch of drunks and junkies and the idea is that by searching for the original site of the church, that bunch of ne’er do wells will not only discover the town’s past, but discover their own past before their addictions. All they’ve found so far is some fragments of pottery, which the junkies keep nicking to try to sell for drugs and a series of small walls that were probably once the kitchen. Although that Jakey Glaswegian, Jimmy McCafferty, was sick all over it.

Harry Wallace, a CID detective, had overheard their conversation and decided to add his own two pennyworth. “I’m just back from the rep theatre” he said. Some bright spark had got all the local burglars that were on remand or out on licence together and split them up into Barbershop quartet’s, the idea being apparently, that they learn to harmonise with themselves and therefore harmonise with society. Place is stripped bare. Hardly an opera glass left. I’ve had a call from Cash Converters that someone has been in with a ticket machine and a couple of those ice cream trays you get with tubs and choc ices at the interval. Apparently this cove told them he’d been left them by a distant aunt. Two minutes later, a couple turn up in a van with a set of industrial spotlights, also it seems, left to them by a distant aunt. Place is going reality TV mad.” And mobile glued to his ear, he carried on to his office.

“I’ll be glad when this shift is over,” said the sergeant. “I’ve got a lot on tonight”

“Oh yes” said Barry, “who, if truth be told, was not particularly interested and wanted to get his report completed. “What’s that then?” Courtesy never hurt anyone, he thought.

“It’s this new pilot that Channel five is making. Me and the missus were selected to represent this division” Barry could hear the pride in his voice. “A series of policemen’s wives are asked questions on general knowledge type stuff and if they answer correctly, their other halves” he winked “that’s me, that is. Their other halves progress so far up this steep climbing wall depending on the question difficulty. All the time they’re being pelted with eggs and custard pies from toe rags they’ve arrested in the past. Winner is the one that makes it to the top and lights a flashing helmet. It’s called ‘Coppering Up’. They’ve got high hopes for it.” The sergeant laughed at this tenuous pun and Barry, smiling weakly as he handed over the paper work set off to collect the errant Tanya, telling himself that as soon as he got home tonight, he was taking his television to the tip. Although he’s probably find himself in some sort of Life of Grime scenario if he did.