1. Like all the best stories, this one begins in a wood yard. We are here today looking for top quality 2x1 inch planed pine. Smooth, straight and ah, I think I see some now. Yes, that will do nicely.

2. Back at Darkside Manor, our wood is measured and cut to size. Each end is angled at 45 degrees, ready to assemble the frame on which we will stretch our canvas. We regret that due to the sharp nature of the saw blades used here, much involuntary blood is spilt during this stage.

3. Each corner, now glued and stapled in place, is reinforced with a triangular piece of 4mm plywood. A centre crosspiece is added for extra strength, and quadrant is secured along the outside edge. This is to hold the canvas away from the wood during painting. Our heavy-duty, 100x80cm frame is complete.

4. The canvas has to be cut oversized, so it can wrap all the way around the edge of the frame. This is an extremely tough 12oz cotton weave, so once again, we need some very sharp blades. The trick here is to keep any severed, blood-soaked fingers away from the pristine white sheet.

5. S-T-R-E-T-C-H and fasten at the rear of the frame. When this baby is hanging you will not see a single staple.

6. Next we apply a double coat of primer to seal the canvas and provide a nice textured surface for painting.

7. Now the artist (Mr. Sul) will sit in a darkened room and wait for the demons to come. Then, armed only with a 2B pencil he will wage war on the blank canvas, dribbling like an idiot but sketching like a man possessed, stopping momentarily to shriek and curse at the insane cruelty of this evil world.

8. He then assembles his paints with military precision.
    Reds and yellows? Check.
    Black? Check.
    More black? Check.
    Now for the good bit….