Dateline
The
advent of Digital TV (sometimes disparagingly referred to as ‘300 channels and
nothing on’) has broadcasters looking for new ideas to fill all this airtime.
This fact, coupled with the worldwide resurgence of interest in Morris dancing,
has created a golden opportunity for a 24 hour Morris dancing channel. An
astute team of top TV executives has recognized this vast potential, and a new
station (provisionally designated station ID KAPR) was announced to an eager
and delighted press corps here today.
The
station aims to cover all aspects of Morris Dancing and - in an attempt to
maintain the interest of the huge but fickle US TV audience - will adopt an
ESPN-style sporting channel approach, with a bewildering array of detailed
statistics about each side, dancer, musician, etc., and personal / national and
world record times for each side and dance. I can hear the commentary now.. “and at the 2nd hey,
As
in football and baseball, a plethora of statistics will be maintained for each
individual dancer, including height, weight, inside leg measurement (important
for those leapfrog dances), MCH (maximum caper height), SDPS (Sticks dropped
per season) and ADR (average dance rate, measured in the traditional Cotswold
units of furlongs per fortnight). Sides will also be rated for such things as
GNR (General Noise Level, measured in deci-bells) and ALF, Average Lateness
Factor.
For
competitive events, there will be a scoring system similar to the one currently
used in ice-skating, with marks for artistic appeal and technical merit.... (again, I can already hear the David Coleman-esque
commentary.. “ooooh, a 5.4 from the Bampton judge –
and the crowd don't like it..”).
The
station has already inked deals for exclusive coverage of key annual Morris
events on both sides of the Atlantic, and with admirable foresight has gained
the rights to several years of grainy historic footage from Sidmouth, which
will be shown to fill in the times when the live UK summer events are rained
off (as tradition dictates), or perhaps cancelled due to some new outbreak of a
rampant agricultural disease. This approach has been shown to be successful
over many years coverage of summer sports such as tennis and cricket in the
Having
researched what’s out there already, KAPR plans to incorporate the latest state
of the art techniques where appropriate – for example, the ‘High-Speed action
replaysä’
which have proved so popular on the
Sceptics
(and there are many) may suggest that it would be difficult to sustain a
non-stop Morris TV channel, but the backers behind KAPR are adamant that they
can cover the full range of typical TV station output while maintaining a
Morris bias. At today’s press conference, some examples of the proposed schedule
were revealed:
Morris
dancing soap
Provisionally
titled ‘Deer Creek’, this is an everyday tale of ordinary Morris dancing folk,
struggling to fulfill their practice and dance-out commitments while holding
down busy jobs as teachers and computer consultants. From the practice hall to
the pub, and even including some steamy post-dance bedroom scenes, all of
Morris life is there.
Music -
Top of the Morris pops
KAPR’s
answer to MTV and VH-1 – lots of exciting Morris-related music accompanied by
the latest low-tech video technology. Samples including ‘Come Flail Away’ by Sticks, ‘Why do
Fools fall in love?’ and an interesting cover version of Steely Dan’s ‘Hey
Nineteen’ arranged for pipe and tabor were previewed at the press conference to
gasps of astonishment.
Current
affairs and politics
The
Morris world is not immune to the machinations of politics – and this will be
reflected in the weekend current affairs talk show titled ‘This Time’ where
invited representatives of the Morris Ring, the Morris Federation and Open
Morris will engage in heated debate on the topics of the day. Showing it is not
afraid to cover the difficult issues, the first debate will be about the
contentious (and often disclaimed) topic of drug use in the Morris dancing
world. This was no doubt prompted by the recent reports of a black-face side
being accused of using performance-limiting marijuana, widely reported in the
British tabloid press as the ‘Herb-acious Border incident’.
Discussion
programs
A
very clever piece of programming here by the station owners – they already have
a half-hour program entitled ‘Tradition vs evolution – the ongoing debate’, and
it seems from preliminary test audience feedback that they can just repeat this
same program 5 times every day all year round. Also in this vein, a more
confrontational show is planned. The station is hoping to sign up Jerry
Springer to host a show which will encourage Morris dancers to air in public
their REAL views about other sides, rappers, mummers, jazz music, etc. KAPR
also revealed that they have a series of Morris dancing celebrity lectures
planned – already signed up is Hereburgh’s Doug Freeman, who will be presenting
his highly acclaimed lecture on "Morris and the Gentle Art of
Fudging" (the text of which is also available on the web at http://www.psmcdonald.ukgateway.net/fudge.htm).
Exercise
and Keep Fit
The
keen Morris dancer won’t want to miss the aerobic step and caper routines
presented every morning on KAPR in the half-hour ‘Keep Fat’ segment. In an
attempt to echo the much-missed Green Goddess of the BBC, the ‘Green Man’ (a
250 pound Morris dancer in green leotard) will lead viewers through a series of
exercises designed to maintain the correct body form for dancing. As well as
the aerobics for the legs, the vital bicep muscles (used in sticking and
drinking) are exercised with a tough regime of 20-ounce curls, performed with
(initially) full tankards of a potent and heavy ale (such as ‘Old Halitosis’
from UK brewers Thoroughgood’s, who happen to be the sponsors of this program).
Comedy
A
bit of a coup here, the station has exclusive rights to a spin-off from the
popular ‘Blackadder’ TV series which features Blackadder’s faithful assistant
in his own series called ‘Baldrick on top’. Also featured was a new ‘remade for
Morris dancers’ version of an old British comedy show, now to be entitled ‘Men
Behaving Sadly’.
Reality
TV
Not
to be left out of the hottest TV topic of the day, there is a ground-breaking
new show called ‘AGM Survivor’ where secret live cameras are placed at Morris
side AGMs to witness at first-hand the cut-throat debate, culminating in the
final voting. Who will be the one to hear those dreaded words ‘the side has
spoken..’?
Quiz
Programs
Extensive
research has shown that the Morris audiences have an interest in Quiz shows and
trivia which borders on the fanatical. KAPR’s ‘Who wants to be a foreman?’
ambitiously reverses the current trend of combining a controversial question master
with tough questions and large amounts of cash as a prize by letting
contestants ‘escape’ the show by answering a series of increasingly simple
questions correctly, leaving the last person to be named foreman for the
season. Also mentioned was a musical version of ‘Wheel of Fortune’, called
‘Reel - a 4/4 tune’.
Film
Review
This
weekly show will take a close look at the emerging genre of Morris-related
movies. The sample shown at the press conference was ’Thud and Blunder’, Tom
Cruise’s upcoming foray into the heady world of Morris Dancing. In this movie,
Tom plays a talented daredevil Morris Dancer who dances really slowly. He's
very cocky but is tortured by his dead father, who incidentally was a cocky,
talented, daredevil Squire. His best friend dies in a bizarre freak sticking
accident, and Tom's very upset. But in the end, he overcomes the devil inside,
beats his rival and gets the girl. By the way, this movie has a great
soundtrack with all your favourite Morris tunes arranged by Harold Faltemeyer,
using the latest synthesizer technology to create a sound uncannily like a
melodeon in a pub car park. Especially interesting was the ‘behind the scenes’
segment, where it was revealed that Tom’s stunt double for the dangerous
sticking scenes was none other than Berkeley Morris’s own Jonathan Coxhead.
Children’s
TV
As
with all good children’s TV, the ‘Morris Minors’ morning show will subtly
influence the thinking of the younger Morris dancing set, so that they develop
the correct neuroses in later life. Also unveiled was a cartoon show - inspired
by the old ‘Batman’ TV series, there is a new cartoon show called ‘Bagman and
Bobbin’ with exciting stories of the mysterious capered crusader fighting crime
in
Weather
Obviously
an important topic in the Morris world, the weather coverage on KAPR will be
specifically designed to provide the avid dancer with the information required
before venturing out. Special graphics such as animated hankies fluttering in
the breeze will be used to show wind force and direction, and the forecasts are
expected to be appropriately unreliable.
XML
– Xtreme Morris League
Following
the decline in popularity of the XFL football league, it was revealed that the
station is already ‘a long way down the track’ in negotiations with the
Worldwide Wrestling Federation to create a nationwide league of full-contact
Morris sides. Despite intense questioning from the Morris press corps, it was
not disclosed whether this would incorporate drastic rule changes or scantily-clad
cheerleaders to make the dancing ‘more accessible’, as happened in XFL.
Food
and Drink
Presented
live from the station’s galley, ‘Capers with Everything’ will address the
dietary requirements of the active Morris dancer, with special emphasis on the
liquid aspects. The pub food at popular Morris venues will be sampled, and
there will be a special section each week dedicated to curry. This Indian
delicacy seems to be very popular with the Morris dancing fraternity, and there
are even those who insist that the word ‘Dhansak’ was originally derived from
the old English ‘dance-sack’ which would be carried by a side’s bagman.
Drinking is obviously a fundamental part of Morris dancing culture, and will be
featured too. Bearing in mind the global reach of KAPR, the programmers are
being careful to address preferences from both sides of the
Detective/Mystery
There
will soon be a new name on the lips of all TV detective fans. In the same genre
as ‘Poirot’ and ‘Cadfael’, ‘Dommett’ is a Morris dancing amateur sleuth, who
will each week unearth a new dance after following an intricate sequence of
steps.
Sponsorship,
Advertising and Merchandising
The
executives behind KAPR have been busy signing up sponsors who will be placing
ads on the station, hoping to gain a share of the elusive and discriminating
(but potentially highly lucrative) target Morris dancer market segment.
Confirmed deals signed so far:
Nike – who will market
a new range of 'Air Morris' trainers (available in black or white)
Pantene
Hair Care – will branch into male cosmetics by
creating a new line called 'Shave the Donkey', including a beard shampoo
(specially formulated to achieve that all-important straggly look). The shampoo
will be beer-based, bringing a new meaning to the question “Why take 2 bottles
into the shower?”.
Cherry
Blossom – famous for their shoe polish, claim to
have found an important associated new niche market in the Border arena for
face blacking
Mum
deodorant – a special new range designed specifically
for the Morris dancer, based on their original trademark product (which was of
course named following field tests on sweaty mummers)
North
Face – the outdoor clothing manufacturer showed
a new range of rain-proof, hail-proof and frost-proof dancing breeches – ideal
for those English summer dance-outs.
On
the merchandising front, KAPR executives have been talking with Mattel Inc, and
it is expected that there will be an announcement shortly regarding a range of
scale figures from popular sides, resplendent in their distinctive kit and with
appropriate accessories such as hankies, sticks and tankards. Figures are
expected to retail at $8.99 for standard dancers, $9.99 for a squire, $5.99 for
musicians and $2.99 for drummers. Mattel executives
deftly side-stepped questions on the possibility of a ‘Morris Barbie’ doll.
This
gave rise to several questions from the floor about the opportunity for blatant
profiteering on the part of unscrupulous sides. The example of Manchester United
in the English soccer league was raised, where the team brings out new kit
every year, thus forcing fans to spend more money. While strenuous efforts were
made to refute this, the rumour that an unnamed local side were at this very
moment contemplating a strategically timed kit change could not be stamped
out.