What is domestic violence?
Domestic violence is about power and control of one person over another.
It can be physical, emotional, sexual, mental or financial abuse by your partner, husband or anyone you are having or have had an intimate relationship with. It can happen to any woman regardless of her age, race, sexuality or disability.
Domestic violence is rarely a one-off event and physical violence often escalates in frequency and severity over time.
Mary was never allowed to see her friends or family
Joanne was regularly locked out of her house by her partner
Shanaz was never given any money, her husband did all the shopping
Rebecca's dad constantly criticised her and made her feel worthless
Louise was punched in the stomach by her partner when she was pregnant
These are examples of domestic violence. This violence takes many forms and can happen once every so often or on a regular basis. Even if it happens only once it is still domestic violence.
The violence may not happen regularly but other kinds of controlling behaviour may be ongoing, leaving you feeling off-balance or anxious about your relationship.
The abuse often develops slowly over a long period of time, and can start at any point in a relationship, even many years after you first met.
Although every situation is different, there are some common behaviours that link the experience of an abusive relationship. All of these behaviours come from the abuser's desire to maintain power and control over another person.
It is not always easy to believe that you are in an abusive relationship, but acknowledging you are in an abusive relationship is an important step in preventing and stopping the violence.
Warning signs
(Based on Women's Aid leaflet: 'Domestic Violence - Breaking Free')
This list identifies a series of behaviours typically demonstrated by abusers. The list can help you recognise if you or someone you know is in a violent relationship.
Destructive criticism and verbal abuse
name calling, mocking, accusing, blaming, yelling, swearing, making humiliating
gestures or remarks
Pressure tactics
rushing you to make decisions through "guilt tripping" and other
forms of intimidation; threatening to withhold money, take the car away,
disconnect the telephone, commit suicide, take the children away; manipulating
the children, saying you have no choice in decisions
Disrespect
interrupting, changing topics, not listening or responding when you talk,
taking money from your purse without asking, refusing to help with any
of the housework or with the children
Breaking trust
lying to you, witholding information from you, being overly jealous, having
other relationships, breaking promises and shared agreements
Isolation
monitoring or blocking your telephone calls, telling you where you can
and can't go and who you can be with
Harassment
following you, checking up on you, opening your mail, repeatedly dialling
1471 to see who has phoned you
Threats
making angry gestures, using physical size or strength to intimidate,
wielding guns or knives, threatening to kill or harm you, your children,
family or friends
Sexual violence
using force, threats or intimidation to make you perform sexual acts,
having sex with you when you don't want to have sex, sexual degradation,
forcing you to have sex with other people or in front of other people,
forced sado-masochistic practices
Destructive behaviour
destroying your possessions (e.g. furniture), punching walls, throwing
and/or breaking things on purpose
Physical violence
denying you food, warmth or sleep, keeping you locked up, pulling your
hair, punching, slapping, biting, hitting, pinching, kicking, pushing,
shoving, burning, strangling, raping, beating - often leading to permanent
injuries and sometimes death
Denial
saying the abuse doesn't happen, saying you caused it to happen, being
publicly gentle and patient, but privately violent, crying, begging forgiveness
and saying it will never happen again
If this is happening to you, don't be afraid to ask for help.
Broxtowe Women's Project is here to support you
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