Bereavement

People react differently to all kinds of situations, why should death be any different?
People deal with bereavement in many different ways. There is no right or wrong.

In general, the greater the attachment, the greater the loss.

A funeral is as much for the living as it is for the dead.

• It’s a time for the bereaved to say goodbye.
• The bereaved publicly acknowledge that the death has occurred.
• It’s a time to show respect for the deceased.

There are often strengthening bonds within the family and community that are left after the funeral service. A funeral can bring people together. Helping each other through a difficult time.

There are different things that will affect the way in which we grieve

• Who the person was – The death of a cousin will be different from that of a spouse.
• The nature of the attachment – The intensity of love or dependency.
• The mode of death – Natural, accidental, homicide and suicide.
• Previous losses – How did you cope before?
• Your own personality – Age, gender, stability.
• Social aspects – belonging to social groups guidelines and rituals for grieving.

There are different stages to bereavement; they do not necessarily follow a specific order.

• Denial – fact, feeling and reality
• Acceptance – “one of those things”
• Anger – directed at people trying to help.
• Isolation – loneliness.
• Bargaining – I’ll do anything not to go through this or to get them back.
• Withdrawal – Inaccessible, mute, refuses to listen.
• Inappropriate – feelings, behaviour, actions.
• Guilt – if only I was there, I could have done something.
• Emotion – crying, sobbing.

Some common thoughts are:

• Bereaved people need privacy
• Its just part of life
• Death is part of God’s judgement
• Death is a Happy relief
• Religious people find it easier to mourn
• Its best not to talk about a loved one until some time has elapsed

These statements are neither right or wrong we just need to be aware of them if we are to help the bereaved.

How should we conduct ourselves when dealing with the bereaved? There is no right answer. These may help you.

• Reassurance
• Listen and observe
• Patience
• Support
• Flexibility
• Advice

It is important to make contact as soon as possible, tell them how sorry you are to hear of their loss. Send a card or a letter. Most bereaved people say that reading a card or letter they have received provide valuable support and comfort. You may worry that your words are banal, but they do make a difference. Maintain the contact; keep visiting as the months go by. Continue to treat them as you always would.

Listen and let them talk. Talk about the person who has died.

Don’t say “give me a call if you need anything”; help needs to be given freely without the bereaved person having to ask for it.

Be aware of significant dates and anniversaries. Christmas and birthdays need to be treated with sensitivity.

Helping children

Once adults tried to shield children from death, but avoidance can be disaster. The need to understand that death is natural in life is important.

Some helpful reading, Waterbugs and Dragonfly’s by Doris Stickney. It’s aimed at children and helps explain death through the analogy of the waterbugs short life underwater and their emergence as dragonfly’s and the humans’ life after death.