smoke: a london peculiar
excerpts from issue#7...
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I
love this city. But not the policemen with machine-guns casually slung
across chests, sauntering down Victoria Street. I remember, on my first
trip abroad, the shock of spotting pistol-packing gendarmes – I’d never
seen a gun before. Since then, I’ve
had my LA Metro ticket scanned at gunpoint and my passport stamped on
the
train from Budapest by Slovakian border-guards toting rifles Mr
Mainwaring
would deem antique, but those were all weird, foreign, uncivilised
places. [Introduction to Smoke#7 – Matt Haynes] London is not
a wonderful city because it’s home to our national government, to
international business, to the tourism trade, to the big noises and the
bright lights.
London is a wonderful city because of its humanity. All its
contradictory
impulses and affects – its kindness, its harshness, its sweetness, its
sourness
– are part and parcel of the human condition. And these are as they are
because of the people who live here and the people who come here to
make London
their home. Another son,
presumably equally dashing, is out and about doing actual magic. Their
lovely wives
lend a hand as and when, having thoughtfully provided several grandsons
who
already seem keen to serve in this magical mafia. Even the baby, who
could
always be put to use if rabbits were scarce; though with a popular
catalogue
item being the Rabbit-Production Drawer-Box, that looks unlikely. They were
always between shafts, wearing heavy, straw-stuffed collars, accoutred
in brass
and – above all – blinkered. I still remember the unsettling moment
when,
as a child of about two and a half, I first discovered that horses had
eyes. Seated on the kerb, I glanced up and saw a brown orb regarding me
from the narrow space between the bossed leather flap and the hard,
bony muzzle. I remember
standing on the roof on November 5th when we’d broken though the
padlocked trap-door to party with the Italian anarchists who’d taken
over the whole of the twenty-second floor. They wanted to share their
rough red wine with us to celebrate the Gunpowder Plot. We could see
the good people of the estate burning a giant effigy of Margaret
Thatcher, and it was a mad pagan frenzy of fireworks
and flames leaping up. There was dub reggae reverberating, bass
blasting
out of huge loudspeakers, rolling like a tidal wave around the concrete
blocks
and echoing up to us, and it seemed right and fitting that there should
be
such mayhem and insurrectionary carryings-on below, on Hackney Downs
which
had been common land for ever. You must
observe the images that surround you: the first-hand, steadfast
evidence under nicotine-stained glass. Your leader is named Ronnie
O’Sullivan and you must trust in him.
If Ronnie isn’t in – and he often is – then bask in his spirit, all
around.
It’s wise to re-visit the photographs every so often to re-affirm your
faith.
Every night you return, sure in the knowledge that so too, one day,
will
he. Never doubt this happening. Every morning
was a joy; she’d get up early to curl her eyelashes, puff up her hair,
and lipstick her smile. Sometimes they’d both have to stand, and she’d
dream of his back brushing past hers down Rosebery Avenue; her losing
grip of the post, and falling into his arms; and the perfect house,
perfect children and perfect life that’d somehow emerge from this rash,
silly daydream. An old cow
proverb has it that the grass is always greener on the other side and,
though most herds now sport some younger, “cooler” members who enjoy
pointing out the inherently circular nature of the advice, and then
refuse to budge, its
diktat still informs most contemporary bovine thinking. I was locked
out when I got home. I didn’t know what time they’d be back, and I
didn’t care at all. I’m quite used to it, really. I love sitting on my
front step, people-watching. Sometimes, my neighbour sits and plays his
guitar. Sometimes, people stop and talk. Cars pull up, motorbikes roar
down the road, dogs bark. I sat
down slowly and let the sun wash over me. I could hear the late calling
of birds some distance away. A 159 churned noisily down Kennington Road
in slow, reluctant defiance, and the tarmac blazed in the sunlight,
sticky
and glittering. Somewhere, not so far away, the distorted tune of an
ice
cream van floated by. I don’t see
how labelling Brixton a “cultural quarter” is compatible with
mainstreaming
it and disassociating it from unconventional people – the mad, the
poor,
or those narrowly perceived as “undesirable”.What happens to the former
patrons
of Harmony, and Mr Henry’s livelihood, if newer residents succeed in
getting it closed, or if it becomes an exclusive bar? What happens when
there are no cheap cafés selling egg’n’chips? What happens when
the council’s criminal neglect of Brixton’s famous markets ultimately
causes their demise? What happens when jerk chicken is available only
with a side-salad and a
glass of white wine and it costs £15? What of so-called “vibrant,
multi-cultural Brixton” then? Searching the
thickety undergrowth for the kitten, he was surprised, to the point of
dismay, to
come face-to-fang with an animal presence he subsequently described as
black,
larger-than-a-labrador, and resembling a panther. An altercation
ensued,
oaths were almost certainly uttered and, after a struggle, both man and
beast
withdrew: the former to his kitchen, the latter without trace into the
darkness.
History does not relate the fate of the kitten. Scotland Yard was
baffled,
the RSPCA mystified. Nor were there reports that Battersea Dogs’ Home
had
either lost, or had had handed in, any very large black labradors that
looked
a bit “catty”. The Tavern
felt like a scuzzier version of the canteen in Star Wars. Everyone was
a refusenik of some sort: students who hated students; local petty
criminals who wished they ran a bookshop in the West Country;
struggling artists who really should’ve been civil servants (and vice
versa). And no one even pretended they were minor celebrities. The most
famous regulars were the unnameable Only
Fools and Horses actor who played Mickey Pearce, Joe Absalom, and
someone
who claimed to be the Super Furry Animals’ sound engineer, but probably
wasn’t. Watching it
over 75 years later, you recognise the old-fashioned world for which
books and TV have primed you: the trolleybuses, the neon signs, the
billboards for
Bovril, Schweppes and Britannia, the minks and furs of the hoi polloi
floating
around the dancefloor and the nightwatchmen’s cigars. But then, as the
film
moves on, you’re taken to the shady streets of Limehouse, where Shosho
lives;
to the gambling dens, the bars serving both English and Chinese people
noodles, the spit-and-sawdust dancing hall where black and Far Eastern
faces sing
alongside white, and you know you’re somewhere very different. Panelled with
large slabs of cream, brown and browner, the Beech Street tunnel
positively glows with an archaic idea of what 21st century London would
be like – a buff
new world as imagined by 60s visionaries who foresaw a metropolis
teeming
with silver-suited commuters jet-packing to work, munching on protein
pills,
and communicating via devices no bigger than a large hardback book. I can’t tell
what’s real any more. Between news programmes, the Groundforce
team are
joking in the garden with Nelson Mandela. He tells Charlie Dimmock she
looks
like a Spice Girl. I ask you whether Nelson Mandela lives in England
now
and you say it might be the African garden outside the British Museum.
What,
I say, is it his garden? Does he sit there all day? Yes, you say, you
can
wave to him from the Number 7 bus as you go by. He’d burrowed
into the Bible, but it was just as unhelpful as it had been last time
he’d tried it, after his cat had fallen from a window and disproved a
generally received truth. Patrice yawned. “Were there wings?” she
asked. “Two.” As if the number of wings on the apparition was the
issue, rather than their simple, diamond-feathered presence. It’s not, as
I’m sure any professional singer will tell you, that easy to project
properly from a slightly cramped sitting position with an easily
confused labrador between your legs; the effect, though, was
astonishing. Almost before the words You’d betta shape up had left my
mouth, Frank had leapt to his feet – quite tricky, for a man of his
girth, and those grand old buses were really not designed for big
musical set-pieces, whatever people say – and begun
to reverse-shimmy down the aisle, shaking his bottom and wagging his
finger
in time with each ooh! ooh! ooh! There is
always a chase which usually includes me running barefoot (where are my
shoes?), and there is always him being persistent outside my door,
throwing pebbles on my window so I will throw him my keys.There have
been instances where
things have been vandalised (I am sorry for the damaged trash bin on
Marchmont
Street), but there have also been instances when he cried. Oh,
Routemasters look charming on the postcards, but for anyone who
actually uses them –
especially if carrying anything larger than a small box of fudge or
cursed
with offspring, wheeled or otherwise – they’re hopeless, and I can’t
help
feeling that those who want to preserve them (a) rarely go on them and
(b)
are the same people who insist their local “classic caff” continues
serving
them cups of watery Nescafe for 50p, even if the owner then has to work
a 16-hour shift just to cover the rent while his adoring clientele jump
in
taxis and head off to 40K jobs in the media, writing features on
classic
caffs and Routemasters for the colour supplements. As Will
Hawkins grabbed the microphone and shouted one-two-three-four, the band
emitted
a noise comparable to a jet engine in reverse. By two minutes into the
first song, a Western-style brawl had erupted. Double Diamond trays and
pale ale filled the warm sweet evening air. Amidst the debris and the
broken pint
jugs, young Sykes slipped through the crowd and picked up the remains
of
an electric guitar fretboard, his souvenir of a night of punk rock
angst.
As he was chaperoned away by his concerned father, the streets and
pavement
were checkerboarded with panda cars, dispersing the mob. I like
benches
because there’s something curiously lovely and lonely about them,
whether
they’re the ones near me in Hackney, pockmarked with graffiti and gum,
or
the ones that come with plaques that remember the dead. I prefer these.
I
like the idea of someone having once enjoyed sitting there, looking out
and
taking in. Each time I
leave London I wonder if it will let me back in. Perhaps after my next
spell in the bear-infested wilderness of the country-outside-London I
will haul myself back on the train and meet with an iron portcullis
where Liverpool Street station should be. Guards in eye-patches will
poke their callused noses
through the holes and grimace at me. You left, they will say. We
thought
you’d had enough. We thought you’d given up. You are a fickle one,
playing
with our hearts. We will not let you pass. |