It's just a bit of fun.
E-mail your jokes or entries: 
clicking here

Clean jokes only please and
footie ones would be good.

 


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The Things That Have Been Said At Wallington Little League
I remember about four seasons ago we were having our last Reds game of the season
against the Maroons and as usual as there was nothing to play for as both teams
finishing position had already been decided it was a fun occasion.
All of my players had been spraying their hair red but one of my lads got there just
second before kick off and hurriedly sprayed his hair but did not do a brilliant job.
He managed to cover most of his forehead and as the first half went on he rubbed it
all over his face turning himself into an orange vision without realising.
About five minute before half time the opposing manager stood next to me and
said that his forward was having a terrible day and I replied 'You think you have problems
I have got David Dickinson at left back'



HALF MAN HALF BISCUIT'S 'REFEREE'S ALPHABET' (Slightly Edited)
The A is for my authority which many players seem to question, thinking they're somehow going to make me change my mind 
B is for babies which a lot of managers cry like after a decision has not gone their way 
C is for the continual criticism I recieve from the touchline, get back in your technical area!
 D is for the dunderheads who seem to think we have a conspiracy against their particular team 
E is for the eery silence that echoes around the ground after I've booked the home teams player and its obvious to everyone that he deserved it
 F is the farce into which most games would descend if we weren't there 
The G is for the gnarled face of someone who's on 90,000 a week and reckoned he should have had a throw in
 H is for handball which has to be intentional and very rarely is, if only people would study the rules more 
I is for innocence, pleaded by many a doe-eyed defender after theyve just scythed down that tricky winger
 J is for ju-jitsu, which I quite intend to display given a dark alley and some of the narky blerts I've encountered
 K is for the kissing of the badge how ridiculous that looks 6 months later when they're at another club 
L is for lip reading, at which you dont need to be an expert to see how odious some people are
 M is for the mistakes we sometimes make surely a bit of controversy is part of the games appeal
 The N, the N is for the numbskull who during the boxing day game asks me what else I got for christmas besides my whistle
The O is for offside which many forwards tell me they simply could not have been 
The P is for the penalty shootout great drama and no pressure on me 
Q is the quiet word I sometimes need to have with some of the more fiery participants
 R is for running backwards a difficult skill which the pundits never seem to appreciate 
S  is the suggestion that I should show a card to an opponent by a player who's been awarded a free kick he himself is more in danger of getting one for that 
T is for the 21 man brawl which is basically an embarrassing scene of pushing and shoving 
U is for the umpire which I sometimes wish I'd been instead you never hear a cricket crowd shouting who's the - - - - - - - - - -  in the hat
 The V is for vitriol vilification vendetta and volley of verbal abuse some good bird noises there by the way
 W is for walter pidgeon whos Mr Griffiths in 'How Green Was My Valley' I may have started to sound like during this song 'where was the light I thought to see in your eye' he says that to a young Huw played by Roddy McDowall 
X represents the sarcastic kiss planted on my forehead by the swarthy Portugese center half who I just dismissed 
The Y is for Yate the kind of town referees come from And the
 Z Well the Z could be for Zidane, Zico, Zola, Zubizaretta, Zoff Even Zondervan but is in fact for the zest with which we approach our work without this zest for the game we wouldn't become refs and without refs, well zero See also Zatopek, Zeus and Zeal Monachorum I have a caravan there static naturally (Wouldn't it be fun if they gave the ref a gun?)

Thanks to Frank Foreman for that.

 



JOKES AND FUNNIES - JOKES AND FUNNIES - JOKES AND FUNNIES

'I understand you're a member of the school football team,' said a visiting uncle to seven-year-old Johnny. 'What position do you play?' 'I'm not sure,' answered the boy, 'but I think I heard teacher say that I was the team's main drawback.'

                                                                                                                                       

A young autograph hunter was really chuffed when he realised that Thiery Henry walked his dog in a
nearby park, he went up to him and got his autograph and the next day when he saw him again he
did the same, on the third day when he asked Henry for his autograph again the player said
 'Haven't I already given you two autographs' and the boy replied 'Yes but if I can get 3 of yours then
I can swap them for one of Didier Drogba's'


Here are a few football jokes, where quite a few of our favourite clubs are the
being made fun of:

On taking over at Charlton the new manager Alan Pardew thought it would be good
for the team to have a break and suggested to them that a few days in Florida might
help give them a lift and re-charge the batteries, apparently the team refused and
opted to go to Blackpool to see what it is like to ride in an open top bus.

                                                                                                                                                        
Why does the Watford manager keep visiting Argos ? 
It's the only way he can pick up some premier points.

                                                                                                                                                           
Apparently Fulham are under investigation by inland revenue for tax evasion -
They have been claiming for silver polish for the last 20 years !

                                                                                                                                                         
How many Manchester City fans does it take to change a light bulb ?
None - they are quite happy to carry on living in the shadows.

                                                                                                                                                                 

West Ham Manager Alan Curbishley was walking across a supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her shopping, he stopped and said
 'Can you manage dear'
and the old lady said 'no way' 'you took on the job, you sort it out'

                                                                                                                                                                 

 A bloke goes into Stanstead Airport and manages to eventually get into the departure lounge where his flight home is being called. All around him there are overturned tables, smashed windows, computer terminals broken, upturned chairs and crowd control barriers lying on the floor.

"Christ, what's happened here?" he asks one of the ground crew.

"Oh yeah...", he replies "Absolutely hopeless .... we had the Chelsea players in here this morning filming the new Nike ad".

                                                                                                                                                              

 

A Bloke walks into a bric-a-brac shop and sees an ornamental brass rat, the sort of thing women of a certain age love to put on the mantlepiece. He thinks "that'll be perfect for his Mother's birthday", so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is.

"£25 for the rat, £100 for the story", replies the man.

"Forget the story" says the bloke, and so buys the rat for 25 quid. He walks off down the road, but has not gone 30 yards when a rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff. He throws the brass rat over, and millions of rats follow, one after each other, plunging to certain death. The bloke them runs back to shop.....

"Aaaah", says the shop keeper, "you'll be back for the story"

"Don't worry about the story - do you have a brass Man Utd fan?"

 

 

 

 


                                                                                                                                                                                                     
Some New Funnies, added 7th July 2006

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand
up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you
think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, Miss, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on
her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the
cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 3 and 21 and 35 and 81?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "ITV, Sky Sports, Cnn and the Cartoon
Network!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny's infants class was on a field trip to their local
police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the
10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and
asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as
his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the
horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad,
why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure
that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the Postman wants to buy
Mum."
*************************************************************

 

These should give you a giggle, they are notices and signs written in English,
more or less, that were discovered throughout the world.

 

In a Bucharest hotel:
 The lift is being fixed for the next day,
during that time we regret you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
 Do not enter lift backwards and only when lit up.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
 Please leave your values at the front desk.

In an Athens hotel:
 Visitors are expected to complain at the office between
the hours of 9 and 11am daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: 
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the 
job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: 
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox Monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet
composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: 
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On a menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make, limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in
the form of a finger; Roasted duck let loose; Beef rashers beaten up in the 
country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers
in strict rotation.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having
a good time.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today - No ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals, if you have any suitable food give it
to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Rome doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cools and heats; If you want just condition of warm in your room,
please control yourself.

Great stuff, hope you they gave you a good chuckle.

..................................................................................................

 

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable
when all of a sudden...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon" I is sure of eet"
"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee" 
So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and 
there in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon There's raw bacon
dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...
every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".
"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'forget".
"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon...ees
no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres,
Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun Opens up, 
and Luis is cut down is his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true 
friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....
Ees...(gasp)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
"Ees, a Ham Bush"

Boom Boom! - Thanks to Aaron Tanner for that one.

Joke Posted 10th June 2005

SAD NEWS
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth 
reflecting on the death of a very important person that almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Kokey," died peacefully at age 93.  
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Joke sent in by Wendy Perry and was posted 30th November 2004

Peter Kaye One-liners

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one
and asked him to forgive me.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to
go swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder.
I don't get on with my real ladder.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'.
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may
break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From
there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
why he got thrown out of the the fire brigade.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think
I've forgotten this before.

 

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'I understand you're a member of the school football team,' said a visiting uncle 
to seven-year-old Johnny. 'What position do you play?' 'I'm not sure,' answered the 
boy, 'but I think I heard teacher say that I was the team's main drawback.'

During the winter of 1946/47, two northern teams turned out for a Boxing Day match. 
The weather was atrocious. From the touchline the pitch was hardly visible at all - it 
had been raining, with sleet and hail, for about three days, but the rising temperature 
had turned the ground into a sea of mud and water. Added to this was a strong wind 
blowing diagonally across the field. The two captains looked at each other glumly. 'Well,' 
said the one who had just lost the toss, 'which end would you like?' 'I think we'll play with 
the tide,' said the other.

David Beckham goes shopping and spots a Thermos flask. 'What's that for ?' he says. 
'It's to keep hot things hot and cold things cold,' says the salesman. Beckham buys one 
and takes it home to show Posh. 'It's to keep hot things hot and cold things cold,' he says. 
'You ought to take it to work,' she tells him. So he takes it in to training the following day. 
'What've you got there, son?' asks Sir Alex. 'It's to keep hot things hot and cold things cold,' 
says David. 'That's a good idea,' says the manager. 'What have you got in it?' 'Coffee,' says 
David. 'And some ice cream.'

'Heskey,' said the coach angrily after a disastrous match, 'your playing was lousy. You're a 
disgrace to the team.'  
'Don't listen to him, Emile,' said a team-mate, trying to be encouraging. 'He doesn't know what 
he's talking about. He only repeats what everybody else says.'

Did you hear about the Scotsman who went down to Wembley for an international match 
between Scotland and England? When he returned home, one of his mates said, 'Was it a 
big gate, Jock?'     
'It was that,' he replied. 'One of the biggest I've ever had to climb over.'

It was the local supporters' club annual dance. The festivities were in full swing when three 
newcomers arrived without tickets. 'It's all right,' said one, 'we're friends of the referee.'
'Whoever heard of a referee with three friends?' said the bouncer as he threw them out.

The goalkeeper of a works football team had just let in his hundredth goal of the season. 
As the team was leaving the ground after the match, he said cheerfully, 'Has anyone got ten 
pence for the phone - I want to call a friend.'
'Here's twenty pence,' said a team-mate. 'Call all your friends'.

Jokes Posted 23rd January 2004

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A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama today 
when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of 
the boy. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and 
the judge awarded custody to his aunt. On appeal, the boy confirmed 
that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he refused to live there.
When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy
cried out that they beat him more than anyone. The judge dramatically 
allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him. Custody was 
yesterday granted to Tottenham Hotspur Football Club as the boy firmly 
believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.

(Joke supplied by Sheila Daily - posted 2/11/03)  

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SOME ARTICLES FROM THE BRITISH NEWSPAPERS!

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas
bill, a spokesman for NorthWest gas said, "We agree it was rather high
for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the
gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." 
(The Daily Telegraph)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because 
they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they 
don't want the public to know what it looks like. 
(The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was 
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman 
commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". 
(The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbour master radioed a coastguard on
the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was 
sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind 
had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. 
(Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs Irene Graham of Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence 
of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He 
was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled "He'd always seemed a nice 
friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in 
February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler." 
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

Posted 24th October 2003

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At last........some news jokes for you.......

The following joke received from Sam Phillips:

A Jew, a Hindu, and a Man Utd supporter all go into a hotel at the same 
time. The manager says, "I'm sorry but we've only got one bedroom spare 
tonight, with two beds in, so two of you can sleep there, but the other one 
will have to sleep in the barn." So the Jew says, "Don't worry, I'll sleep in the 
barn." So the Hindu and the Man Utd fan go up to the room. A few minutes later 
there's a knock on the door - it's the Jew, and he says, "I'm sorry, but there's a 
pig in the barn and so I can't sleep there because it's against my religion." So the 
Hindu says, "OK, I'll go and sleep there." A few minutes later there's a knock on 
the door - it's the Hindu, and he says, "Sorry but there's also a cow in there and 
so I can't sleep there because it's against my religion." So the Man Utd fan says, 
"OK, I'll go and sleep there." A few minutes later there's a knock on the door - it's 
the pig and the cow!!

Joke posted 6th October 2003 

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There were three little pigs that went to a restaurant for dinner. 
The waiter asked if they wanted a drink. The first piggy asked for 
a Coke, the second piggy asked for a cup of tea and the third piggy 
asked for a glass of water. The waiter brought the drinks and asked 
if they were ready to order. The first piggy asked for a hamburger, 
the second piggy asked for a steak and the third piggy asked for a 
glass of water. When they'd finished eating, the waiter asked if they 
would like some pudding. The first piggy asked for a hot fudge sundae, 
the second piggy asked for a banana split and the third piggy asked for 
a glass of water. When they'd finished the waiter brought the bill and 
asked the third little piggy why he only ordered water. The third piggy 
said, "Well, someone has to go Wee wee wee all the way home."

Joke posted 23rd September 2003 

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David Blane has given up his controversial stunt.  He was told that 
44 days doing nothing in a box is not going to break the record which 
is currently held by Emile Heskey at 4 years.

Apparently Liverpool had first option on Christiano Ronaldo, then
withdrew after discovering he was two footed, as there was no 
point in buying a footballer that Houllier couldn't play out of position.
 
Wolves are being predicted to stay in the premiership for three
seasons. Autumn, Winter, Spring
 
Phil Thompson wanted to go to the Liverpool Xmas party last season 
dressed as a pumpkin. However, come midnight, he still hadn't turned 
into a coach.

Glen Hoddle was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket
car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of
shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" to which 
the old lady replied, "No way, you got yourself into this mess, don't ask 
me to sort it out!"

Q. Why should you never run over a Liverpool supporter when they are
on a bike?
A. It's probably your bike.

David James is so distraught after his latest blunder that he decides to 
end it all. He walks straight out of Upton Park and throws himself down in 
front of a number 9 bus. Luckily, it passes under him.

A Wimbledon FC fan walks into a pub with his dog just as the football scores 
come on the TV. The announcer says that Wimbledon FC have lost 3-0 and 
the dog immediately rolls over on its back, sticks its paws in the air and plays 
dead. "That's amazing," says the barman. "What does he do when they win?"
The Franchise Fan scratches his head for a couple of minutes and finally replies: 
"I dunno.... I've only had the dog for eight months."

Glen Hoddle was caught speeding on his way to White Hart Lane today.
"I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned.

The Fire brigade phones Glen Hoddle in the early hours of Sunday
morning... "Mr Hoddle sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!"
"The cups man! Save the cups!" cries Glenn. 
"Ermmm, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir"

Jokes posted 19th September 2003 

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Amazing!
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer
in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is
taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef,
but the wrod as a wlohe. A mzanig huh?

Posted 19th September 2003   

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A "Wishing Well" goes to the Doctors and the Doc asks what the trouble is.
"I am only 6 inches deep" cried the Well.
"I know what is exactly wrong" said the Doctor.
"You are not a tall well"....

Joke posted 29th January 2003 

A man goes to the Doctors and complains that he is shrinking.
The Doctor replied "You will have to be a little patient then"

Joke posted 29th January 2003 

A Doctor tells a patient "I have two pieces of bad news for you"
"Oh no" said the patient "What is wrong?"
"You have only got a week to live" said the Doc.
"And what is the other news?"
"I should have told you 7 days ago".

Joke posted 29th January 2003 

As a lorry driver in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. 
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his lorry, and knocks on the door. 
The lorry driver lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather 
and you are losing some of your load." The lorry driver ignores her and 
proceeds down the street. When the lorry stops for another red light, 
the girl again catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks 
on the door. Again, the driver lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, 
the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some 
of your load!" Shaking his head, the lorry driver ignores her again and continues 
down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the
lorry door. The driver lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is
Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green,
the driver revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he 
hurriedly gets out of the lorry, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on
her window, and as she lowers it, he says 
"Hi, my name is Kevin and I'm driving a gritting lorry.

Joke posted 29th January 2003 

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A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her 
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's 
chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, 
"I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, 
"Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He 
might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room, returning a few 
moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on 
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination 
table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet 
with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet took the dog out, but returned a few 
moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the bird. 
The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked 
at the woman and said, 
"I'm sorry, but like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably dead." 
He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he 
handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. 
"£150! she cried, £150 just to tell me my bird is dead!!"
The vet shrugged. 
"If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been £20, but what with the 
"Lab report" and the "Cat scan".............."

Joke posted 9th January 2003 

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Some more Tommy Cooper jokes

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

What's brown and sounds like a bell? - "DUNG"

What do you call a fish with no eyes? - A fsh.

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second
time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up
a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in
went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said
to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. 
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said "I haven't seen you
in a long time" The man replied "I know I've been ill"

A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach 
the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, 
I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off"

Two fish are in a tank 
One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive."

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."

The man was a genius

Jokes posted 9th January 2003 

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I have heard a couple of football related news items on the radio
recently, I cannot guarantee they are true but repeat them here as they made
me giggle:

"Madagascan football authorities plan to take severe action against club Stade 
Olympique l'Emyrne, who scored a world record 149 own goals in protest against 
alleged refereeing bias in a match on Thursday. SOE lost the game 149-0 to AS 
Adema in the last game of the Indian Ocean island's league championship on Thursday. 
SOE's coach Ratsimandresy Ratsarazaka orchestrated the protest from the stands as 
the Antananarivo-based side began repeatedly firing shots into their own net from the 
opening whistle. SOE, last year's champions, deliberately scored one own goal after 
another in a pre-determined protest over refereeing decisions that had gone against 
them during the four-team playoff to determine the national championship".

Joke posted 3rd December 2002 

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"It has been reported that an amateur player in a Dutch league has been banned for
8 games for "kissing the referee". The player in question had already been cautioned
and following his second yellow card and subsequent red card, promptly planted a huge
kiss full on the refs lips. Maybe the player was mad because the referee had taken his
name but not his telephone number".

Joke posted 3rd December 2002 

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The following joke was sent to us by Jamie, Under 10 Yellow.

There's three builders and they see a man with no ears. 
One goes up and says "What nice legs you've got." 
Another one goes up and says "What nice arms you've got". 
The last one goes up and says "What nice eyes you've got, 
you had better look after them because you wont be able to 
wear glasses".

Joke posted 11th November 2002

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The following joke was sent to us by Steve Tanner, Manager of the Inters
Scarlet Red team.

A police car pulls a lady driver over after seeing her driving erratically. 
"Madam can you tell me why you were weaving all over the road?"
"Oh officer" she says, "I'm so pleased you're here, I looked up and there 
was a tree right in front of me, I swerved to the right and there was another 
one, so I turned to the left and yet again a tree was right in front of me"
"Madam" he responds in a sympathetic voice and pointing to her rear view mirror, 
"that's your air freshener". 

Joke posted 31st October 2002 

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The following joke was sent to us by Lee who plays in the Under 8
Emerald Green team.

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?

A: No idea 
(no eye dear)

Many thanks for that one Lee

Joke posted 29th October 2002 

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This man sees a sign in front of a house- "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings 
the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The man goes 
into the back yard and sees the dog sitting there. 
"You talk? " he asks. 
"Yep, " the dog replies. 
"So, what's your story? " 
The dog looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I 
wanted to help the government, so I told the MI5 about it, and in no time 
they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and 
world leaders because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one 
of their most valuable spies eight years running. The running around really tired 
me out, though, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle 
down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, 
mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some 
incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a load of 
puppies, and now I'm just retired." 
The man is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 
The owner says "Ten pounds. "The man says he'll buy him and says to the owner, 
"This dog is amazing. Why are you selling him? " 
The owner replies: "He's SUCH a liar. "

Joke posted 29th October 2002 

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At most football grounds throughout the country, there are occasions when there is 
a minute silence for whatever reason. However at Selhurst Park this season there is 
90 minutes silence every time Franchise FC** play at home. 

**(the club formerly known as Wimbledon FC) 

Joke posted 30th October 2002 

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The following are a couple of Man Ure jokes (sorry mis spelt, should be Man Utd!)

A Scouse van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Manchester United 
fan he would see strutting down the side of the road. He would swerve to hit them and 
there would be a loud " THUMP " and then he would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would 
do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Priest "where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to say mass at St. Joseph's church, about 2 miles down the road" replied the priest.
"No problem Father! I'll give you a lift, climb in!"
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road. 
Suddenly the driver saw a Manchester United fan walking down the road and instinctively 
swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the priest, so at the last minute he 
swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the Man U fan. However even though he was 
certain he missed him, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came 
from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything he turned to the priest and said.
"I'm sorry Father, I just missed that Manchester United fan"
"That's okay" replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

Joke posted 30th October 2002 

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A Man-U fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd shirt. He knocks on 
the pearly gates and out walks St Peter with a Leeds scarf.
"Hello mate" says St Peter, "I'm sorry, no Man Utd fans in heaven"
"WHAT?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Man Utd fans."
"But, but, I've been a good man", replies the Man Utd supporter.
"Oh really" , says St Peter "What have you done, then?"
"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children 
in Africa".
"Oh" says St Peter "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless"
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the Boss."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.
He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with 
me. Here's your thirty quid back, now get lost!"

Joke posted 30th October 2002 

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A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a 
well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, 
I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Buzz off!" said the old lady. "I've got no money" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
With that, he emptied a bucket of horse poo all over her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse poo from your carpet, 
Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." 
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut 
off this morning."

Joke posted 30th October 2002 

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A dog walks into a Post Office and asks if he can send a telegram.
After taking down the address the Counter Clerk ask the dog what
he wishes to say in the telegram. The dog replies:
"Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof."
The man says to the dog:
"It is a minimum of 10 words, would you like me to add another woof?"
"Don't be silly" replied the dog. "It won't make any sense"

Boom Boom (or even Woof Woof)

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The following are (allegedly) true letters sent into schools

Excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling)

My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. 
Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa from being absent. She was sick and I had 
her shot.

Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan 28, 29, 
30, 31, 32 and also 33.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he
fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out 
of his fac

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. 
He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she bas been 
bothered by very close veins.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had 
diahre dyrea direathe the runs.

Pleased excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping 
because I don’t know what size she wears.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot 
to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it 
Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend 
her funeral

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. 
She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in 
bed with gramps.

Maryann was absent December 11-16 because she had a fever, 
sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also 
sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever 
and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. 
There must be something going around, her father even got hot 
last night.

Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. 
His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I 
was in bed with the doctor.

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If you have any funny ones to share then please email to the
address below. Thanks

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